more about me…
Hi,
I thought I would tell you all a little bit more about me.
I am 28; I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 21; it will be seven years on
the 28th of this month. I did really well at first, people thought was I was
type 2 because I was able to manage with oral meds and diet for about a year and
a half. I have since learned that it was a really good honeymoon period.
(that’s what my internist called it.) But as soon as I went from oral meds to
insulin, the concept of control pretty much went out the window.
I had been using a pump for almost four years. My daily average prepump was
300-400. Once again, as soon as I started with the pump I had tight control; my
A1c fell from 14 to 5.5 in six months.
Over the years, my control lessened. I bounced around from one endocrinologist
to another. I kept winding up back in my internists office. She didn’t know
what to do with me: she had no pump experience, and she kept trying to push me
to the endocrinologists. I just couldn’t find one that I liked.
Then last month the DKA hit. My internist was at the end of her rope; so won’t
treat my diabetes at all anymore. She got me somewhat settled on the
lantus/humalog thing and we waited. I saw a nurse practitioner last week and
she was awesome. I see an actual endo this week, and am terrified.
Endocrinologists don’t understand the depression aspect. I have struggled with
depression since junior high school, and the diabetes doesn’t make for a good
combination. When I was in the hospital last month my depression flared up so
much that I almost got sent to an inpatient psych unit…NO WAY!!!!
I hate this disease. I want nothing to do with it. I don’t have a clue how to
cope with it. I am starting nursing school in August and am afraid that I won’t
be physically healthy enough. I have this deadline for tight control hanging
over my head, and yet I am trying to deal day to day. I even find that
overwhelming. I woke up this morning and cried because I had to check my sugar.
I don’t think I have it in me to accept this disease…I really don’t.
Jenny
February 23rd, 2004 at 10:02 am
Dear Jenny, I just read your post and it broke my heart. I, too was diagnosed at 28 and felt the same way. Why do I have to have this dreaded disease? I dealt with alot of depression as well and still do at times these days. Right now, I am 43 and thankful for each day I awaken to see the squirrels eating my birdseed in the back yard! Don’t, whatever you do let this disease rob you of your dream to become a nurse. I did and I’m in deep regret for it now. I know that maintaining day to day is hard.
You see, we are a special breed. I have always said there should be special communities for diabetics. Simply because we are all unique in our own way. None of us are exactly alike so shared methods don’t always work for one when they work for another. On top of that I know from working in the medical field for years that we are considered the most non compliant group of people that are ill out there. But…….you damn side bet we are!!! Every time I have ever heard that, I have asked the person in question “How would you feel if every morsel of food you consumed had to be considered safe enough for you to live day to day”? Not to mention the deprivation of sweets that thanks to tight control, you start to crave sugar. It’s a very hard disease to handle and believe me when I tell you that trying your best to maintain it now will make your life so much better 20 years from now. I don’t even want to list the complications I now deal with thanks to my denial of this disease.
I have a 7 year old and wonder everyday will I see him grow up?
You have your whole life still ahead of you and a very rewarding career to look forward to. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have cursed, cried, screamed, and hated diabetes, but then I look at the fact that I have struggled through and still do each day and not being here to enjoy my family far outweighs me not behaving. I wish I had adopted that attitude when I was 28.
It took the loss of nerves in my bladder to make me realize 2 years ago that I am in control of my life and only I can be the one to fix it.
As far as Endo’s, I’m right with you! They put us all in the same category and being specialists they don’t understand the emotional impact that we deal with every day. I, like you did depend on a private MD for my care. Also, I can tell you that I have had plenty of dr.’s that provided shoddy care and I left their practice. You may not think so but there really is a light at the end of your tunnel, you just have to look a little harder for it. Just don’t wait like I did to see it. My conditions are now all irreversible because I didn’t want to give in and accept that I had to take care of me! Remember, you come first in your life, you have to take care of you in order to be there for others. Please take care and I hope that I have helped you a little. Please don’t make the same mistakes I have. I know it’s hard to listen to a stranger but you know what? No matter how different we might all be, we still ride the same ship and nobody likes to see a man fall overboard. Go for
that dream to be a nurse, girl! You can do it!!!
Warmest regards,
Carol